See Me

Under the guise of Nakedness
I am as cold as a razor blade
And darkly opaque
Vanishing slowly as only a seasoned exhibitionist knows how.

You said, hurriedly, towards the never-ending ending
That perhaps your own absence had a taste

It tastes like comfort exploding so slowly
That only my soul feels it at all.

But down deep we are strangers
Dangling our toes in the cool dark water near the shore
Of a darkly dreaming inter-subjective abyss

There is no center
No resting point in the dance of desperate signification
Just endless broken clones
Godhead shattered
Purity infected
Sanity sanitized and become a new toy of the mad

I like it when you see me
I like the fact that you want to see me
But this quagmire Freudian cozy swampy couch
Swallows me faithfully
And you circle like a dove or a vulture
In your straight-backed precocious chair

This ramble
More than the rest
Means just about nothing – or everything
But thank you for going on the journey with me

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Closure – It’s all in your head

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So I’m about to leave the town where I was born and where I’ve been living for the last 10 years. And I don’t like to admit it but I’m really quite a sentimental guy. Luckily the Angels of Change have really been working overtime to give me a happy send off 🙂

In fact I delayed my departure for an extra two days just to squeeze in one last goodbye dinner. Weird how all the time I was here I thought I was largely unnoticed and unloved. And now that I’m moving on so many people have gone out of their way to meet me, arrange parties, dinners etc and say goodbye. Thank you all for the love!

But, apart from being just a tad sentimental, I’m also a bit OCD – or, as Gaby says CDO, in alphabetic order the way it should be! And everything has to be just right. Especially things with strong emotions attached. Which is a hopeless cause. Because emotions and tidiness never mix well.

And I wanted closure with a female friend that I was into romantically although she always said she was never into me ‘in that way.’ And things got kinda weird and we fought and stopped talking over a month ago. And today, with 15 hrs and 43 mins to go (more or less), I suddenly wanted closure.

Which in my head meant exchanging ‘I’ll love you forevers’ and sentimentally going over the times we shared, good and bad. Exhaustively. But that’s not closure – just a need for perfection. The truth is, through no one’s fault, it was never that great. And I’d said my goodbyes and the whole chapter was, in fact, already closed.

And I finally realised. Closure is a state of mind not a state of the world. And I’ll feel it as soon as I practice acceptance – and gratitude for all experience – not just the good stuff. So I gave up on a desperate attempt to meet one last time – hurriedly between about 18:31 and 19:36.

And in one last groovy gesture, arranged by my Angels, my alchemist friend messaged me on Facebook and said if I come round at about 18:00 he’s got a little bit of chemical lovin’ with my name on it. 🙂 🙂