Shinola

A lot of good people
Pushing on through the rain
Painting whimsical rainbows
With impossible pain

Searching for salvation
Searching for love
Searching for a safe place to dream

A lot of bad people
Killing joy for money
Killing peace for kicks
Pissing on batteries in the name
Of righteous indignation

I got a whole suitcase full of madness
Demons and monsters instead of brain cells
I got more pain in my bugged out head
Than any one man should have to bear

But just for today
I’m going to get myself quietly shitfaced
And keep trying to devise
The spaced out alchemical algorithm

That will convert all this excess emotion
Small oil tankers of pain
Freight trains packed full of anger
Convert all this shit to Shinola
And keep polishing the blues

golly

Advertisements

On Being Broke

Broken inside but still ticking
No way of knowing
Where this train is going

So many dangerous words
Dangerous thoughts
Evil beckons slyly

Waiting
For a chance
To flower

Poison dripping
Patiently
Into my soul

I would have to save this whole awful world
To make a dent in my perfect wrongness

Or just go away
Quickly and quietly
Before doing any more harm

broken

Sometimes I’m up, sometimes I’m down

hendrix

I have a confession to make. I sometimes listen to the Carpenters. In fact I’m listening to Rainy Days and Mondays right now. In polite company I probably wouldn’t admit this – would rather reference Jimi Hendrix’s Manic Depression. But, well sometimes I need to cry, and Karen just seems to turn on the waterworks best.

Manic depression or, as those with a more dispassionate scientific idiom prefer, Bipolar disorder, is not everyone’s cup of tea. Definitely not for sissies. And, the ubiquitous studies have shown, can be fatal if untreated. Fatal in the sense that between 15 and 17 percent of sufferers choose suicide as their preferred mode of getting the fuck outta here.

So what kind of lunatic would choose to experience it. Choose to soar the heights and plumb the depths at the whim of an unstable neurochemical environment.

Well this kind of lunatic for one. And for the sake of the scientists amongst you I’d like to try and explain why. Well maybe not for the scientists because they’re a famously unsentimental bunch. Perhaps just for the closet Carpenter fans out there.

When I take my medication everything is grey. Don’t get me wrong, grey is ok, but it’s never going to be the new black. And it’s definitely not colourful. Not black, not white and not colourful. Actually fuck grey. I’ll leave it for the accountants.

When I’m up I’m a ninja. Or a Jedi. I can do anything. Well yes, if I’m up I would say that but what’s the evidence? Well, for example, I can get the job, or get the job done, get the girl, steal the show, charm a corpse or even an accountant and solve some pretty major philosophical problems. All before breakfast.

And have. Every major achievement in my life has been stolen from pandora’s manic box. Oy – that’s a horrible mixed metaphor. Should have categorised this as NSFW.

But honestly I’ve done some pretty rad shit from a position of manic invulnerability.

So. What’s the problem, you ask? Well it’s the old Icarus effect innit? Not a pretty sight – like Wile E. Coyote when he looks down and realises that he’s running on air. If he could just learn to not look down. If I could learn to just not look down.

But those magic neurochemicals that open pandora’s box don’t give a fuck about my sanity, my mood, my usefulness to the world. And when they turn, they turn 180 degrees. Stop on a dime and all that is pure and true and fluffy and light suddenly turns to deep dark drek. And it’s hello abys my old friend, wonder how deep the hole will be when I land.

How many friendships will I have irreparably burned? How much money will I have burned. People let down, possessions lost, time lost. Dignity lost.

So why don’t I just take the fucking little pills? Well, I just don’t like grey. I like to live in colour. Rainbow colours. Peacock colours. Blood and guts and pyrotechnic colours.

And no. I don’t expect you to clean up the mess 🙂

 

 

 

Sublimating Sorrow

I may be getting a bit manic I said, giggling nervously and thinking of the next 50 things that I absolutely had to say in the next 7 minutes. What makes you think that? Well I did sleep a good 8 hours – over the last three days. And have been blogging like a demon, solving the meaning of life and planning to sell about a decade’s worth of art for small change.

Why do you think it’s happening?

That’s refreshing. The official script reads – “Have you been taking your pills?”
Look, far be it from to condone neurochemically irresponsible behaviour. I would love it if we all could chill. But the thing is some of us can’t – I can’t. Perhaps there is a chemical solution to the condition that is called David. But having just timidly exited a 37 year long experiment in sublimating sorrow with chemical potions I don’t think it’s possible.

I’m sorry to do this to you!
Do what?

Well it can’t be easy. Yesterday I’m all sunshine and rainbows and butterflies then today I’m down in the dumps. Did you say it’s ok. Or perhaps let’s discuss it. My brain has lost Terabytes of information since then. I can’t remember my dreams on your couch and I can’t remember you in my dreams.

It can be unsettling. You meet me and I’m happy and charming and energetic. Then next thing it’s tears, misery, sulleness, aggression.

Was that how it was for your girlfriends?
For some of them.
Is that how it is for you?

I’m not sure. I think alcohol and codeine made it less painful for me. Did fuckall for my significant others though. I’m getting a taste of my own medicine now – being stuck in an abusive relationship with myself – without the fuzzy distant feeling. That wonderful warm fuzzy distant feeling.

Perhaps it’s a form of sublimation? The mania that’s coming on. Sliding seductively closer – like a fucking out of control freight train.

I’m looking at the artificial orchid that I thought had magical powers for 3 months. Wanting to look at you. Your eyes have magical powers. Don’t they? Don’t tell me there’s no such thing as magic.

You’re fired
You’re joking
Perhaps I am

I can sublimate libido, turn my desire into silver words but how do I sublimate sorrow? Without drugs. Without sex. Without madness.
Time is up. Time is always up. Suicide is easy, god is dead and time is up.

Nothing matters unless I let it. Is this right? It seems right.

We’ll discuss it tomorrow ….

comfortably-numb